I think — I’m not really great at expressing myself by talking. Well, I talk a lot — but when it comes to personal/private matter and when it comes to expressing how I feel or what I think about something; I SUCK AT IT. Whenever I want to open up with someone I always end up not doing so. Because it feels like whoever’s going to listen to me sulking or ranting or just simply expressing my opinion won’t really listen or they won’t bother understanding my point at all.
I have great friends — I think I have. But I don’t know if they’ll listen to me. I never bothered opening up to any of my friends even before way back in high school and college. I always keep it buried in me. I always have to hold it in. It’s not because I’m scared that I will break but it really feels like they won’t stop and pay attention to whatever I want to say. You feel me? So I resort to writing — into making a journal or diary — there was a time in high school when I wrote a stupid story just to express my hatred; my dark emotions as I was feeling rebellious at that time (We had a major family thing when I was in high school) And I’m very proud to say that I choose writing over drinking or getting addicted to any vice. I was so immersed into writing this story that all my feelings are there and when I try to read it today, it doesn’t make sense at all. LOL.
Anyways, since I’m so used to bottling up these emotions… these thoughts… I’m having a hard time opening up. I mean — it feels like my opinion doesn’t matter at all. It feels like I have no right to speak what’s on my mind or whoever’s gonna listen won’t really bother to stop and try to understand what and where I’m getting at. The paranoia is there that they don’t want to listen because it’s all about me and that they don’t want to hear any of it or maybe they’re so full of themselves and too proud that they won’t listen.
Soooo~ I don’t know how hard it’ll be — but I’ll just keep things; whatever things or emotions or thoughts it may be — inside me. I’ll keep it. I am the best keeper after all. Whatever.
– end of entry –