Hello everyone! I hope you’ve been enjoying your summer or winter wherever you are. I couldn’t believe Fall is already around the corner. Which means I will be coming back to work soon and my bittersweet maternity leave will come to an end. Am I ready? NEVER. Will I be ever ready? NO. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready.
A few months ago, I honestly couldn’t wait to go back to work. I have been wanting to get my life back and earn money so I could buy the things I want and do the things I’ve been wanting to do. Because a few months back, I felt useless. I felt useless in a way that I couldn’t help my husband pay for our bills and I couldn’t contribute to our joint account. What I get from EI is actually not enough and it is actually very frustrating considering I almost spend my whole life working.
Well, now that I am 3 months away from going back to work, I am honestly hesitating. My position was full time and my shifts consists of days and nights—all 12 hours. It’s actually not bad but, I am scared that I won’t have time for our daughter anymore. Besides, she’s still dependent on me (aka breastfeeding) at night and during her nap time. Honestly, I’d rather just stay at home even though I won’t make any money. But, the reality is—I need to go to work. I need to help my husband and I couldn’t just pass all the responsibilities on him and then expect him to help me with childcare, you know? It’ll be too much. Reality sucks. If only I could stay at home with our daughter forever and not work and still earn money LOL Bills ain’t going to pay itself 🤷🏻♀️
One year has gone by way too fast. I was looking at our daughter’s videos and pictures from January this year and I couldn’t believe the difference. Back in January, she was still crawling and now she’s almost running—well, she’s already running but now how older toddlers run, you know what I mean?
I kept telling everyone that when she turns one, I will cry. And cry I did on the eve of her birthday. It was bittersweet, indeed. I remembered the moments I thought I won’t be able to recover from my c-section; and that I don’t think I’d be able to make it through. But, here we are one year and a few months later—still surviving and learning.
It hasn’t been an easy ride. I’m not gonna lie—newborn stage was the easiest phase of motherhood for me. Going into toddler stage—my energy was sapped right away. It’s like no matter how much I sleep—even though I take a nap with her and no matter how late I wake up in the morning (sleeping in)—I am still tired. It’s a never ending state of being at this time: exhaustion. And mind you, it’s not just physical, I’m also mentally tired.
Being mentally and physically tired is not really a good combination. At its best, I could dump the mental load in my journal and I could take a walk to de-stress. At its worst, I am ready to strangle and hurt anyone—and sometimes, it’s so easy to give in to the “darkness” and scream at my fussy and screaming toddler. I’ve been trying my best not to give in to that “darkness” even though every day is a different battle and struggle. Being patient and calm takes a while to learn so I am giving myself grace for that.
I’ve also made sure that I have to do something for myself at least once a month. Now that our 1 year old is eating more solid foods and taking a few sips of fresh milk, I could leave her with my hubby or with my parents so I could go for me time. This me time is not me taking a shower, but me going out by myself and literally treating myself. This actually helps tremendously with my mental health.
At the beginning of the month of August, out of feeling burnt out and desperation, I booked an appointment for massage and pedicure. I was nervous at first because this is the first time I’ve left our daughter with her dad. I’m not really worried about her, I’m more worried about my husband. I was thinking that he might get stressed out easily with our daughter’s crying. It kind of made me think when I left her with him when she was a month old so I could take a shower. She was crying nonstop then and the look on his face when he handed her back to me after I showered. He looked defeated and disappointed and was ready to cry. He told me that he felt bad as there was nothing he could do at the time as she wanted my boobies. So now, every time I go out I couldn’t help but remember that moment.
Anyway, going back to my first “day-out”—I actually had fun. I’ve nothing to worry besides myself, the traffic and the parking LOL That’s when I told myself that I need to do it more often, as long as it’s within my budget.
Or just going out with friends without our daughter which I’ve already done a week ago or so. That day felt surreal too. I’ve never left our daughter with my parents—it’s always with my husband and them. My mom offered so I took the chance. I even warned her that she might fuss and cry because she’s teething and my mom said not to worry as long as she have something to eat. I left her under their care and I had fun for five hours (close to 6 hours) My mom said that she actually did well until they went home (in our place) and she started looking for me. She (our daughter) kept knocking on our bedroom door and she even checked our bathroom to see if I was hiding there. When she couldn’t find me, she started crying. She didn’t cry for long according to my mom, however they felt bad for her and nothing seems to soothe her at the time. By the time I got home, they were outside, by the porch, she wasn’t crying but when I greeted her and went into the garage, she started crying again. She didn’t stop until we were in bed. I was carrying her while I wash my face and brush my teeth. My take away with this experience? Go home before her bedtime LOL
I’ve also been encouraging my mom friends to go out by themselves and leave their babes with their hubbies or parents. It was a different feeling honestly. It’s like I gained my freedom while another half of me was missing her. The good thing is, I don’t go out often without my husband and our daughter. Bad news is, I’ll be going back to work soon and I have no idea how my husband will get her to sleep without the boobies. He probably have to sing to her.
I will definitely write an update probably a week after I get back to work. Hopefully by then a plan is already in place.
Ciao💋
