I’ve been holding back for this one because for me writing about it is like acknowledging that it’s real which I honestly don’t want to believe but doesn’t have any choice but to accept the brutal truth.
Monday, December 18th — the whole world was shook by the news of Jonghyun’s sudden passing. I opened my instagram and the first thing I saw was a post that says something like this: Police confirmed that Jonghyun of Shinee passed away. It was around 5:30 in the morning when I read it. I opened my twitter account and tried to find any article confirming about the incident but didn’t find any. I’ve only read tweets from Shawols and from other fandoms that Jonghyun was in critical condition at the hospital. Hours later I’ve read that he was receiving an oxygen therapy and fans all over the world are clinging on that little hope. I tried to sleep again. And when I woke up reality hits me. SM released a statement confirming Jonghyun’s passing. Prior to that, his sister confirmed that Jonghyun had committed suicide. And that breaks me inside. I felt like the time had stopped. I cannot believe it. I cannot accept it. Kim Jonghyun committed suicide? He passed away? Must be a hoax. Unfortunately it wasn’t. Unfortunately it was real.
I don’t consider myself a fan but I did followed Shinee before. I kinda saw them grew up. From baby looking teenagers to mature men with chocolate abs and everything. I’ve heard about Jonghyun’s talents (e.g. writing songs/composing) and I knew that he’s really a great singer. Man, those notes.
But now I still cannot believe he’s gone. Still cannot believe I won’t be able to hear him sing anymore. Cannot believe I won’t be able to see them perform live as five for the first time (haven’t able to watch any k-concerts since forever). And will not be able to watch his silly acts on any variety shows anymore. This is so heartbreaking. No words can describe how I feel. I cried the night of his funeral and my boyfriend asked me why was I crying but I cannot tell him the reason because I know he’ll find it weird. Mourning for someone you don’t even know – a person you haven’t met yet – a person that does not even know I’m existing.
It is painful to know that he planned his death. That he cannot find contentment and was having a hard time being happy. It is so sad that the only way to end the misery is by ending his life as well.
I am mad that he tried to seek help but he was looked down by the person he seek help from. I am so disgusted by the officers’ late response when his sister told them about Jonghyun’s situation – that he might commit suicide – she called them at 16:00 but they only responded around 18:00. Things could’ve been different. I have so much to say. I have so many disappointments I want to voice out. But I might hurt others with my words so I’ll just keep it in me.
Idols are people too. They have emotions. They can feel. They can get tired. So maybe instead of demanding more things from them which makes them feel like they’re not working hard enough, we as fans, should show our appreciation in the best way we can. Let’s cheer them up. Tell them they’ve been working hard enough. That they are doing really great. We should be thankful for the things/performances they’ve been showing us. For the bashers, if you don’t like a certain person/artist leave them alone. Don’t bother wasting your time commenting negative stuff on their pages/social media accounts. Stop telling someone to go die because you’ll never know what they might and can do. Just stop spreading the hate. Don’t listen to their music, don’t watch their shows or their movies, don’t bother looking up their social medias and say whatever you want to say just to hurt their feelings. Their social medias aren’t for the likes of you – they made it to be closer to their fans. Just simply ignore the artist/idol/group if you don’t like them.
It’ll take a long time for me to get used to the fact that Jonghyun is not here anymore. However I know that wherever he might be today that he is free from pain and suffering. I know that he is finally happy.
Jonghyun-ah, you did well. Rest in peace oppa.
So goodbye don’t cry and smile~